Posts
10 Movies That Were Better Than The Books
5 hours ago
Monday, December 21, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Happy is me
Last time I felt accomplished?
Last time I felt loved?
Last time I felt belonged?
…blah blah crap crap.
What would happen now?
What would happen now?
Career?
Life?
Family?
Together?
Why did I do all what I did till now?
What good has come out of it?
What good can be made out of it?
What matters most to me?
If I quit, am I a quitter?
If I cling, am I a sucker?
Is it okay to be messed up
Or am I paranoia?
Over analysis is a rotten thing. Big time.
Over analysis is a rotten thing. Big time.
If people don’t help, shun them.
If company bothers, shun it.
If work is numbing, shun it.
Theme for the day(s) – yeah you got it.
Theme for the day(s) – yeah you got it.
Shun, quit, dismiss, run, escape.
Do what it takes,
A Happy me what makes.
Do what it takes,
A Happy me what makes.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Here’s to 2009!
Let’s see, should be a good exercise penning down what I so wanted to pen down for the last few months…some of the best, defining and well lived moments of 2009.
Some respite from my otherwise retired writer-self. And lots of smiles as words stroke my memories to enliven an otherwise lazily undocumented past.
Let’s begin.
Today’s prompt.
December 14 - Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year?
At the risk of sounding like a psycho tracker, it was the 24th day of May.
It was called sky-diving, jump one.
As a representative of a group of four, I was taking a friend sky-diving for his 24th Birthday surprise.
When the fear of heights has been stated n number of times before, you have to give it some consideration before you tie up someone and throw him out at 15000 ft, that too as a surprise.
After being counseled by several colleagues and friends, I managed to convince myself that he’d be fine. That WE’d be fine.
So come Sunday, we were off to the ranch.
The training was a no-brainer, no-scare and it was rather mirthful to look at each other in our fluorescent green jump-suits.
We made chit-chat with our trainers, Nick and Cheeru(?) who had each jumped more than a thousand times! Did we talk about stress at work!? I also met Stephanie, who'd jump along to make my video later. She came in for a tandem jump one day, just like me, and loved it so much that she never left. It was thirteen years ago!
As rains stalled our scheduled jump, we amused ourselves with the several colorful parachutes bringing back to ground several more colorful highly spirited people, crimsoned faces, broad smiles, and a story to tell. How was it up there?
In a few hours we would know.
And finally, we were on the plane. As we soared higher, Steph let me steal glances off the altimeter tied to her wrist. 500, 1000, 5000 ft…as the dial moved and things out of the window shrunk from smaller to miniatures, I could feel a flutter in my stomach and a feeling of heaviness build up.
Nick said it was usual, as I get accustomed to the heights. As I looked down, it struck me, I am going up in this plane, but that’s not how I’ll come down.
No seat-belts, it was anything but usual.
Rush of adrenaline, blood, life.
30 minutes of build-up towards the moment. As I crawled towards the open gate of the plane, rush of wind flushed my face, and a rush within flushed my being.
Standing at the corner, I looked down, WOW!
One, two, three, wooosh!!
Stubmle-buble-dubble-hubble-look-up-smile-blow-kisses-live-up-stumble-dumble-bumble.
Before I could make something of it, it was over, left me soaked with a warmth in midst of raindrops, swinging high hinged to a parachute, awing at the beautiful lush green landscape polka dotted with blue waters below.
"You are so in the moment, you don't even remember what happened!"
That’s what I read about it. That’s what I realized about it.
Nonetheless, best rush of 2009.
And now, we open the floor for some snapshots…
Some respite from my otherwise retired writer-self. And lots of smiles as words stroke my memories to enliven an otherwise lazily undocumented past.
Let’s begin.
Today’s prompt.
December 14 - Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year?
At the risk of sounding like a psycho tracker, it was the 24th day of May.
It was called sky-diving, jump one.
As a representative of a group of four, I was taking a friend sky-diving for his 24th Birthday surprise.
When the fear of heights has been stated n number of times before, you have to give it some consideration before you tie up someone and throw him out at 15000 ft, that too as a surprise.
After being counseled by several colleagues and friends, I managed to convince myself that he’d be fine. That WE’d be fine.
So come Sunday, we were off to the ranch.
The training was a no-brainer, no-scare and it was rather mirthful to look at each other in our fluorescent green jump-suits.
We made chit-chat with our trainers, Nick and Cheeru(?) who had each jumped more than a thousand times! Did we talk about stress at work!? I also met Stephanie, who'd jump along to make my video later. She came in for a tandem jump one day, just like me, and loved it so much that she never left. It was thirteen years ago!
As rains stalled our scheduled jump, we amused ourselves with the several colorful parachutes bringing back to ground several more colorful highly spirited people, crimsoned faces, broad smiles, and a story to tell. How was it up there?
In a few hours we would know.
And finally, we were on the plane. As we soared higher, Steph let me steal glances off the altimeter tied to her wrist. 500, 1000, 5000 ft…as the dial moved and things out of the window shrunk from smaller to miniatures, I could feel a flutter in my stomach and a feeling of heaviness build up.
Nick said it was usual, as I get accustomed to the heights. As I looked down, it struck me, I am going up in this plane, but that’s not how I’ll come down.
No seat-belts, it was anything but usual.
Rush of adrenaline, blood, life.
30 minutes of build-up towards the moment. As I crawled towards the open gate of the plane, rush of wind flushed my face, and a rush within flushed my being.
Standing at the corner, I looked down, WOW!
One, two, three, wooosh!!
Stubmle-buble-dubble-hubble-look-up-smile-blow-kisses-live-up-stumble-dumble-bumble.
Before I could make something of it, it was over, left me soaked with a warmth in midst of raindrops, swinging high hinged to a parachute, awing at the beautiful lush green landscape polka dotted with blue waters below.
"You are so in the moment, you don't even remember what happened!"
That’s what I read about it. That’s what I realized about it.
Nonetheless, best rush of 2009.
And now, we open the floor for some snapshots…
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Carnival of Rust
D' you breathe the name of your savior in your hour of need,
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill
Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before
Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
And the chords and the words all seem like a story written anew...
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill
Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before
Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
And the chords and the words all seem like a story written anew...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
:-)
Post rains. Calm air. No voices in head. Silence. Music. A special playlist. Little moments. Daal tadka. Fix you. Yellow light. Breezy balcony. No mosquitoes. Black sky. Music getting louder. Further silenced. High hopes. Fresh ideas. Blank paper. Work. Enjoyment. Together. Creation. Indulgence in nothing. Smiling to yourself. Peace. Alone and happy. In a long time. Bliss.
P.S. Edits - Can't help my 'coolness' but notice, one day at a time, yes one day at a time. :-)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
THE Elusive Dream
Disclaimer – this is going to be an obsessive account of a much elusive dream. Reasoning other than to support me and the L word – Logic, to be *strictly* kept aside.
23 is when you have gathered enough cynicism to falsify the fairy-tales, the wonderful worlds of ‘happily-ever-afters’. And you move on, to real-life elusive dreams. I said move on, not grow up.
I fantasized about it, I don’t remember since when – long before when I knew people who went there, are studying there, or would be going there for sure.
Also long long before I actually visited the place. And was swayed by the campus. Many times over.
The crisp winter air. THE aura.
Harvard Business School.
I think about it and reasoning ends.
Huge student loan debts, ROIs, economic-cycles, ‘on time’ marriage, persistent career blues post MBA, several more. More and more.
I go blind, I go deaf, I go numb.
Not that I don’t get any of it. That’s exactly why I said logic aside, please.
If and when realized, there might be a ‘bubble-burst’ moment. Many such ones. Very well, in all probability.
Elusive dreams are stuff of deceptions.
That I’d be in my late twenties and still be an ‘Associate/ Sr. Associate’ somewhere, that I can do so many other things with my two years and with my money, that I can even start a business, that Indian B-schools might not ‘add as much value’ but are good places to ‘differentiate yourself’, that Indian B-schools also open doors, faster enough. Etcetera. Etcetera.
That when it comes to money, I see it as a luxury I want to buy for myself. That that’s why I don’t really care about ROIs. That when it comes to 'value add', I do want to see for real what's "world's best". That it’s just an experience I don’t want to miss living. That I am smitten and perceptibly stupid. That I am fine with all of it. That I have to spin stories and 'do big things' to get in. That stories will flow.
Much has been said, discussed and thought about. Much still remains.
If I ever get in, I will have and remember this day to thank for.
If not, I will have this post…to remind me of the elusive dream.
Of the feeling of having one.
And of this red, black and white object of my fondness.
23 is when you have gathered enough cynicism to falsify the fairy-tales, the wonderful worlds of ‘happily-ever-afters’. And you move on, to real-life elusive dreams. I said move on, not grow up.
I fantasized about it, I don’t remember since when – long before when I knew people who went there, are studying there, or would be going there for sure.
Also long long before I actually visited the place. And was swayed by the campus. Many times over.
The crisp winter air. THE aura.
Harvard Business School.
I think about it and reasoning ends.
Huge student loan debts, ROIs, economic-cycles, ‘on time’ marriage, persistent career blues post MBA, several more. More and more.
I go blind, I go deaf, I go numb.
Not that I don’t get any of it. That’s exactly why I said logic aside, please.
If and when realized, there might be a ‘bubble-burst’ moment. Many such ones. Very well, in all probability.
Elusive dreams are stuff of deceptions.
That I’d be in my late twenties and still be an ‘Associate/ Sr. Associate’ somewhere, that I can do so many other things with my two years and with my money, that I can even start a business, that Indian B-schools might not ‘add as much value’ but are good places to ‘differentiate yourself’, that Indian B-schools also open doors, faster enough. Etcetera. Etcetera.
That when it comes to money, I see it as a luxury I want to buy for myself. That that’s why I don’t really care about ROIs. That when it comes to 'value add', I do want to see for real what's "world's best". That it’s just an experience I don’t want to miss living. That I am smitten and perceptibly stupid. That I am fine with all of it. That I have to spin stories and 'do big things' to get in. That stories will flow.
Much has been said, discussed and thought about. Much still remains.
If I ever get in, I will have and remember this day to thank for.
If not, I will have this post…to remind me of the elusive dream.
Of the feeling of having one.
And of this red, black and white object of my fondness.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Between us..
Is there something you want to tell me?
Something you want to share
How kisses melted the hour hand
Time became a slave in lover’s land
How promises were made to make it last
Lifetime planned out from a handful of past
Is there something you want to tell me?
Something you want to share
Of past loves and lost loves
Of dreams shared and the nights passed
What slithered out that you couldn’t stop
Strangers were born from a familiar spot
Is there something you want to tell me?
Something you want to share
Or are you still clinging on
To hopes and memories all along
Are you holding me to hold onto her
You’re buried inside to let outside blur?
Something you want to share
How kisses melted the hour hand
Time became a slave in lover’s land
How promises were made to make it last
Lifetime planned out from a handful of past
Is there something you want to tell me?
Something you want to share
Of past loves and lost loves
Of dreams shared and the nights passed
What slithered out that you couldn’t stop
Strangers were born from a familiar spot
Is there something you want to tell me?
Something you want to share
Or are you still clinging on
To hopes and memories all along
Are you holding me to hold onto her
You’re buried inside to let outside blur?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Catch 23!
Caught between appearances and disappearances…
Of whims, ambitions, people, love…
Unimaginable dreams, confined reality…
Unafraid grit, passing determination…
Understanding silence, misinterpreted words…
Unfolding magic, seeming illusion…
Caught between appearances and disappearances…
Self and myself…
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Weirdo - Kiddo - Weirdo
This is the first ever tag I am taking an attempt at - across blogger, mails and FB! It started when in conversation with a friend about our quirks and loony habits I re-discovered me. OK without making this a prologue, here I go!
1. I say sorry to non-living things and I talk to my plants when I water them.
2. I obsess about my eye-brows.
3. I love to wear 'pour homme' fragrances. There’s a theory – fragrances for men are supposed to woo females. Agreed, and if I am so wooed, I’d rather have it around all the time…so I’d rather have it on me!
4. I save the nut less part of the dessert and cheesiest piece till the end. Oh and I decorate every bite on my plate to make sure all the items are equally distributed and wisely consumed throughout the meal.
5. I often pat myself.
6. I always wanted to work part-time and support myself as a student. I especially wanted to work at cafés and fast food outlets. I would still love to do it sometime, for fun.
7. I have an extra strong digestive system given to the fact that as a kid, besides slate chalk, I used to nibble on wood – especially painted wood.
8. I can sleep in the tiniest, dirtiest, noisiest corner if I have to and I am also known to make a big fuss about perfumed and washed bed-sheets and stuffed pillows! Dual sleeping personality or sleep disorder!?
9. And while we are at sleeping, I am defamed as a sound sleeper…I am completely deaf to door knocks and ringing cell phones (deliberately, you may keep wondering…).
10. I smile to strangers (especially kids and old people) on the road, in the trains, at the stores, like almost everywhere a lot.
11. I type mostly with two fingers means I really don’t know typing. Yet ironically, I work on the laptop almost 50-60 hours a week. And hey, my friend once titled me “the fastest two finger typist” Yay!
12. I am averse to the idea of coloring my hair. So, to satisfy my urge to have a ‘change in look’ I once bought blue colored contact lenses. I am planning again on hazel or green soon.
13. As a kid, I displayed anti-kid behavior at stores. I remember crying out loud when my parents tried to get me clothes/toys to convince them otherwise.
14. I enjoy gymming. Like literally enjoy…I close my eyes and do a little rap on the treadmill or the cycle with the music plugged in.
15. I have fasted for 9 days during ‘Navratra’ once - voluntarily. Though when I was younger…like in class 5, my mom successfully tricked me into fasting for ‘Sawan k Somvar’ (16 Mondays in a row for Lord Shiva – girls do this for a ‘good husband’!)
16. After watching a movie with a dominant female character, I often feel like she had my mannerisms and idiosyncrasies or vice versa :-)
17. I used to collect quotations – from everywhere as a kid. I manually copied (hard copies) three entire books of quotations I borrowed from my aunt because I could not find them in the stores. Each with more than 300 pages…written throughout!
18. I love planning surprises and have successfully executed many mega ones (both for my friends, their gfs/bfs etc.) where the receiver had no clue whatsoever of what was in store. Sadly, I have never been on the other side as much (except may be twice --- naah not AS much!)
19. I dig chocolates in all forms and take it as my official responsibility to fish it off the plate – in its entirety. I testify, all the inches around my waist is pure dark chocolate fat though I somehow still call it beer belly. I work out mostly to be able to devour my desserts well.
20. This one’s well known – I love to laugh – out loud. Like REALLY LOUD. And I am more prone on doing so in quite places like in cinema theatres in between non-comic scenes.
21. I had my first serious crush in 3rd grade. Really and it kind of stayed on till 8th grade. And every place I visited in my summer vacations, I made a mental note to visit it again with him when “we would be together, happily ever after”. After all, I don’t call it serious for nothing!
22. I think I have been in love with the idea of being in love so much that I practically lived there.
23. I would call my life 100% perfect and well lived if I did one each of: a professional theater performance, display my artworks at an exhibition and write a bestseller.
24. I am scared and disgusted with the rituals and wastage in Indian weddings but I am amazed with the institution of marriage. I will marry – for companionship rather than ‘love’.
25. I develop instant respect for anyone who can play a musical instrument or sing in public because I can’t do any of it. I missed the Floyd concert in Bombay coz I was not into their music a lot then. Ever since I realized what I missed, I make it a point to go to the concerts while I can irrespective of who the artist is. Just in case I fall in love with them in future, I would live with the satisfaction of “been there, gotten high” :-)
When we were talking I thought I would be able to list down at max 10-15...that's when I started draftiing...now I realize I can go on and on...
1. I say sorry to non-living things and I talk to my plants when I water them.
2. I obsess about my eye-brows.
3. I love to wear 'pour homme' fragrances. There’s a theory – fragrances for men are supposed to woo females. Agreed, and if I am so wooed, I’d rather have it around all the time…so I’d rather have it on me!
4. I save the nut less part of the dessert and cheesiest piece till the end. Oh and I decorate every bite on my plate to make sure all the items are equally distributed and wisely consumed throughout the meal.
5. I often pat myself.
6. I always wanted to work part-time and support myself as a student. I especially wanted to work at cafés and fast food outlets. I would still love to do it sometime, for fun.
7. I have an extra strong digestive system given to the fact that as a kid, besides slate chalk, I used to nibble on wood – especially painted wood.
8. I can sleep in the tiniest, dirtiest, noisiest corner if I have to and I am also known to make a big fuss about perfumed and washed bed-sheets and stuffed pillows! Dual sleeping personality or sleep disorder!?
9. And while we are at sleeping, I am defamed as a sound sleeper…I am completely deaf to door knocks and ringing cell phones (deliberately, you may keep wondering…).
10. I smile to strangers (especially kids and old people) on the road, in the trains, at the stores, like almost everywhere a lot.
11. I type mostly with two fingers means I really don’t know typing. Yet ironically, I work on the laptop almost 50-60 hours a week. And hey, my friend once titled me “the fastest two finger typist” Yay!
12. I am averse to the idea of coloring my hair. So, to satisfy my urge to have a ‘change in look’ I once bought blue colored contact lenses. I am planning again on hazel or green soon.
13. As a kid, I displayed anti-kid behavior at stores. I remember crying out loud when my parents tried to get me clothes/toys to convince them otherwise.
14. I enjoy gymming. Like literally enjoy…I close my eyes and do a little rap on the treadmill or the cycle with the music plugged in.
15. I have fasted for 9 days during ‘Navratra’ once - voluntarily. Though when I was younger…like in class 5, my mom successfully tricked me into fasting for ‘Sawan k Somvar’ (16 Mondays in a row for Lord Shiva – girls do this for a ‘good husband’!)
16. After watching a movie with a dominant female character, I often feel like she had my mannerisms and idiosyncrasies or vice versa :-)
17. I used to collect quotations – from everywhere as a kid. I manually copied (hard copies) three entire books of quotations I borrowed from my aunt because I could not find them in the stores. Each with more than 300 pages…written throughout!
18. I love planning surprises and have successfully executed many mega ones (both for my friends, their gfs/bfs etc.) where the receiver had no clue whatsoever of what was in store. Sadly, I have never been on the other side as much (except may be twice --- naah not AS much!)
19. I dig chocolates in all forms and take it as my official responsibility to fish it off the plate – in its entirety. I testify, all the inches around my waist is pure dark chocolate fat though I somehow still call it beer belly. I work out mostly to be able to devour my desserts well.
20. This one’s well known – I love to laugh – out loud. Like REALLY LOUD. And I am more prone on doing so in quite places like in cinema theatres in between non-comic scenes.
21. I had my first serious crush in 3rd grade. Really and it kind of stayed on till 8th grade. And every place I visited in my summer vacations, I made a mental note to visit it again with him when “we would be together, happily ever after”. After all, I don’t call it serious for nothing!
22. I think I have been in love with the idea of being in love so much that I practically lived there.
23. I would call my life 100% perfect and well lived if I did one each of: a professional theater performance, display my artworks at an exhibition and write a bestseller.
24. I am scared and disgusted with the rituals and wastage in Indian weddings but I am amazed with the institution of marriage. I will marry – for companionship rather than ‘love’.
25. I develop instant respect for anyone who can play a musical instrument or sing in public because I can’t do any of it. I missed the Floyd concert in Bombay coz I was not into their music a lot then. Ever since I realized what I missed, I make it a point to go to the concerts while I can irrespective of who the artist is. Just in case I fall in love with them in future, I would live with the satisfaction of “been there, gotten high” :-)
When we were talking I thought I would be able to list down at max 10-15...that's when I started draftiing...now I realize I can go on and on...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Doll's House
As a kid I used to play ‘ghar-ghar’ with my friends – we used to pile up pillows as the four walls and shelter ourselves and our dolls inside. And we role-played as ‘responsible adults’ fetching back food to our small house, cooking and enjoying every single tiny crumb and singing till we slept.
For 21 years, I pretty much lived in this doll’s house, only as one of the dolls.
No role plays. Protected. Cosseted. And Oblivious.
Back in college, we were told “there is a world of difference between either sides of the main gate”.
I can only fathom now what “world of difference” meant. The course of events you are exposed to, left to deal with yourself, the magnitude and the nature. And that when the role play becomes real, the drama only starts!
While personally ‘my other world experiences’ are largely restricted to seeing my heroes (a term I use collectively for everything and everyone I once idolized) fall, thawing of expectations, being led on by deception. And my greatest realization can be summed up to the fact that loneliness can be scary. Scary to the extent that your romanticism of being a pseud satisfied loner becomes your worst nightmare. Scary to the extent that you fear having a conversation. Creepy scary. And then the realization like you never realized before and never meant much – importance of certain people in your life. Importance of family. How blessed you are to have two parents. Equally or rather competitively loving! And a bonus brother ;) And friends to top it all - both sane and drunk!
But largely, within my circle of friends and relatives I have been witness to a lot. A lot of which can be summed up as loss. The feeling of losing a parent and how it is incomparable to losing any other loved one. The falling apart of a more than half a decade long relationship on issues of uniting forever… calling off a marriage. And the after effects that I was a witness to. And being a witness is not the same as being a spectator coz you can’t escape the feeling, or the whirlwind of thoughts.
Add to that, my house of cards was blown off at the time of economic crisis.
Honestly, a few months ago, all the recession furor sounded distant…like it was happening elsewhere…like ‘we’ were secured.
Until I saw my juniors not getting placed. Until I saw my friends getting laid off. One after the other. Until I saw my colleagues getting laid off. One after the other.
Yes, thankfully, I am still a witness but this has been really up close and personal. How in a moment, through a mail or through a piece of paper, your life takes a 180 degree turn. In multi directions! You go to work one day. And then you don’t. You are suddenly told “you’re not a fit” and the least you have on your mind is to worry about being competent. The purpose seems to be dissolved. The entire ‘future planning’ takes a backseat. You move back to your home countries. You lose your life’s savings in real estate losses. You rethink about that fancy MBA degree. Really – like 80 lacs! 80+ lacs of investment and what if one day you are just laid off! You are expecting a baby – life’s every moment is excitement until you realize you are the only earning member or rather you ‘were’.
And then you realize that today you are a witness. Rather now you are witness. You can’t say about next. You realize how much your life has come to revolve around your job which was virtually non-existent a couple of months back! It’s not about the attachment at all but purely about the involvement.
When the enormity of it all strikes, it mostly humbles you down rather than de-motivate you. But surely, the motivation is crippled.
I don’t want to sound all morose if I have not already done that. Life still is full on with moments of ecstasy, of pleasant nothings and special somethings and then sights and gestures which just take your breath away. What I do mean is, in the last eight months I feel like I have grown 21 twice over!
The ‘living in the moment’ prophecy is continuously challenged by ‘securing a future’ which in turn is mocked upon by ‘uncertainty and its recklessness’.
What’s the start and what’s the end…
What to bank on and where to watch out…
If something to anchor upon and sail through helps…
If any of the anything helps…anything at all.
All I can say is…
When the world becomes your ‘doll’s house’…the most you can do is put on your best dancing shoes and make sure you are always on the go!
Dated – March 14th, 2008
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Am I looking for signs!?
Dated - 15th Feb 2009Location - Starbucks Cafe, The Garage, Harvard Square, Cambridge.
Treated to - Tall signature hot chocolate
Accompanied by - Nicole Krauss' 'The History of Love'
Amused by - the Harvard student working part-time behind the coffee machines on a Saturday evening, discussing her work, finances, assignments, deadlines, family...everything all the way!
Charmed by - this very cute stranger I could see now and then behind his Mac on the round bar like table we sat at.
Taken over suddenly and completely by - Starbucks #76 on my own cup. Pretty much the only way in which all the questions in my head could have been answered.
No, I wasn't looking for signs. I may have given up on them. I may refuse to acknowledge any, ignore many and so on. But this one, I was taken over by.
The way it came to me, the time it came to me and the place it came to me.
Yes, words, they work in the most amazing ways.
Ever since - thoughtfully overwhelmed.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Ah, the good life?
Isolation is a funny thing.
And so is company. You miss one in the presence of the other. It’s like a seven piece puzzle which fits up randomly, rarely but beautifully. Perfect isolation and perfect company. Random, rare and beautiful.
I come back from work to an empty apartment. It’s a corporate service apartment over-equipped with facilities and exuberantly furnished. It has glass windows, gigantic windows, windows with a view of far spread snow crowned on tall trees and lined in gray roads. Serene, white, and empty.
I try my best to keep me company on the weekdays to circumvent the feeling of being haunted.
I keep the music on, call up friends and family… avoid staring at one corner for too long.
Sometimes I succeed, but sometimes, the ghosts win.
And today, they seemed to be well-prepared. When I was waiting for the cab, this sinking sensation kicked in...If not for the weather, I have no qualms against the wait.
I am as fine here outside the office as I am at home. And just as alone.
There was no urgency to go back home. I literally felt homeless. I turned around and went to a store.
But how much time can one kill grocery shopping for one person. And how much retail therapy can one actually undergo. Even if it’s Maybelline.
My apartment was incisively undone…exactly how I left it. The housekeeping didn’t make it up today. So there was absolutely no sign of intrusion whatsoever. Intrusion! I would more than welcome invasion if only…
I rearranged the things in place. I did laundry. I arranged my already arranged closet. I did the dishes. I heated dinner.
Going round and round, taking a crack at retrieving comfort in domesticity, I turned on the music.
It’s still on. I can’t make out the bands or the lyrics. I can’t distinguish the noises. The ones outside and the ones in my mind. I am calling it noise. Nevertheless, on it is.
And in my mind, I am still going round and round.
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